tv Jimmy Kimmel Live ABC August 16, 2013 11:35pm-12:35am EDT
>> vergood. send her through. >> jimmy: there he is. all right. right through there just go right through that door. there you go. just push on them. give it a push. yeah, push, push. there you go. all right. i hope that's not one of the requirements of graduation. oh, hey, al roker had a rough morning. apparently he has a show on the weather channel called "wake-up with al" which i did not know about. it is on before the "today" show. for the first time in 39 years he overslept and missed the show. so there was no weather, i guess. viewers around the country were forced to read a list of temperature to themselves. it was a nightmare. he said the alarm on his phone
didn't go off and he doesn't set a back-up alarm because he's never needed one. this never would have happened to fat al roker. fat al roker had an internal clock that let him know it was time to get up and have doughnuts. he woke up so late, to the "today show," so he wouldn't miss that show, too. he barely had time to polish his head but he did make it. luckily this is only the second most embarrassing thing happened to al roker on tv. the first, being this. >> i pooped my pants. >> i don't think i'll ever get tired of that. oh, hi there. yes. just push on those doors. all right. >> jimmy: things are looking up. all right, see, she went right through. mtv has just announced a new reality series that will follow the lives of adult virgins, and hopefully if all goes according to plan, one f
those virgins will become the next teen mom. the show doesn't have a title yet. but each episode will feature abstinent people between the ages of 18 and 25 as they try to deal with the pressures of society in their own sexual temptations. then mtv will send them to spring break to make their groins explode or something. do we really noticed a show like that? isn't there already a show for adult virgins? it is called jeopardy. who else do we have out there? walter white. >> jimmy: where are you from? >> england. >> jimmy: england, do you know what a belly flop is? >> i know what a belly flop is and everything i do is a flop. >> jimmy: maybe we're about to turn that all around. come on through and we'll get you in a swimsuit. [ applause ] >> jimmy: an international competition this year. on saturday, japan launched a
humanoid robot. they launched it toward the international space station. and the mission, the robot's mission is to keep the astronauts who live there company. by keeping them company, i mean, i'm pretty sure they mean have sex with the astronauts, well, maybe not, i guess. that's the robot. its name is kirobo. it is designed to have conversations with astronauts. only 13 inches tall. why not save some money and send snooki up there. she's not doing anything, right? i wonder what they talk about. is not the number one rule of movies, don't send a robot into space because it will eventually enslave and murder everyone on the ship? look at this. hi, simon. head right there. through there. slip into something more comfortable and we'll be with you shortly. who else do we have? >> a nice young lady out there. >> jimmy: what's your name? >> darell. >> jimmy: you're going to be a good belly flopper. are you good at this sort of thing? >> never did it before. >> jimmy: never tried it before? >> in my bed, maybe.
>> jimmy: all right. let's give it a try in our pool. come on through. round up anyone else that is flop-worthy and send them through. there is a kid's summer camp in largo, florida, getting some attention. the theme of the camp is the hunger game. a hunger games camp. sounds like a fun rebranding of fat camp but it's not. if you know the hunger games books or movie, you know they're about a group of kids that fight each other to the death. which makes at this time the perfect place to send your kids if you think you have too many kids. dear mom and dad, camp is great. i've made a lot of friends. i killed a lot of friends. i can't wait to come home. a lot of kids are going back to school this month. my niece and nephew already went back this week.
my guess is a lot of kid s probably haven't started their summer reading yet. so as a public service, one of my guest them with everything they need to do. please welcome nick offerman. nick? [ cheers and applause ] >> good evening. okay, let's begin. moby dick. a guy named ismael is on a boat. they are looking for a white whale and they feign it. animal farm. it is like the movie babe pig in the city but it turns out communism is bad. of mice and men. bottom line, don't let the big dumb guy pet your puppy or touch your wife. that is not a euphemism. the adventures of huckleberry finn. a boy and a slave go on the run and people say the n word a lot. too much if you ask me. lord of the flies. a bunch of kids get stranded on an island. the fat kid gets crushed by a boulder. sorry, spoiler alert. the fat kid gets crushed by a
boulder. hamlet. hamlet dies. king lear. king lear dies. romeo and juliet. they die. basically, if it is by shakespeare, everyone in the title dies. now, that is all you need to know and you can spend the rest of your summer smoking weed and yoloing, whatever the hell that means, the end. >> thank you, nick, very educational. oh, look at this. the belly floppers are here. hi, everybody. how are you doing? go on right through. yes, yes, bring your luggage. whatever you need. what's going on here? we're going to take a break. we have lots of good stuff playing. julia louis-dreyfus, nick offerman, and music from michael kiwanuka. our conservative annual belly flop tradition so come on back. ,,
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if you are just joining us, we pulled a group of confused pedestrians off the street, we marched them out back, we've changed them into bathing suits and they're ready to belly flop. let's get this thing going. we go to our belly flop pool and our belly flop security guard. guillermo, how is the water? have you tested it? >> nice and warm, jimmy. >> why are you not in a bathing suit, by the way?
>> i'm a security guard. >> oh, forgot. you have a job to do. let's meet our esteemed panel of judges. maybe the only expert that can toss a fish into the field. if ever there was one, please welcome aqua man! never that excited about being a part of this. next up, a "sports illustrated" swimsuit model. probably the best looking of all our judges tonight. hello! kristi, have you ever belly flopped? do you need to have a belly? >> i can't even swim, jimmy. >> jimmy: we could have a drowning here tonight. in the anchor spot, he lives in a pineapple under the sea but work on hollywood boulevard taking pictures for tips. please welcome sponge bob square pants. sponge bob, what do you think of chrissy? >> i think she is a hottie. i'll teach her to swim. that's for sure.
>> jimmy: we've got some chemistry between the judges here. what are you looking for in tonight's competitors? >> i'm looking for a great person that we can splash with, that we can have a great time, you know. >> jimmy: all right. sticking to the sponge bob script, as well. all right, guillermo, please bring oath our first flopper, our first flopper is jim. a high school student. i think he could win this thing right off the bat. in fact, you could in this cool, if you do it right. are you ready to flop? yes, i am. >> jimmy: now again, you may have a little disadvantage. people see a big guy and they're expecting a big, big splash. you like that, don't you? guillermo, the tables have
turned. i'll strip you out of those clothes in a minute if you keep that up. guillermo count it down, please. >> 3, 2, 1! >> jimmy: there we go, jim! that is a very strong start. let's look at the instant replay. there goes jim. he hits the water hard. unfortunately he leads with his knees but let's go to the judges. aqua man gives him a 3. chrissy with a 7. and sponge bob, also a 7. that's 23 points. let's speak to our competitor, jim. >> he'll be out of the pool in 20 minutes. >> jimmy: jim, how do you feel about your dive? >> it wasn't so good. >> jimmy: oh, it wasn't so good. oh, i added it up wrong, too, it is only 17. i thought it was pretty good. i think you did a decent job. we'll stand by and see how the rest of the guys do. you're being towelled off. take it easy, guys. let's go back to the boards. guillermo. this is frenchy, our italian import. frenchy is here on vacation? >> yeah. >> jimmy: how long have you been in the united states?
>> three days now. >> jimmy: have you participated in any belly flop competitions before tonight? >> jimmy: you don't know. do you know what you need to do here? >> yes. >> jimmy: as big a splash as you can possibly make. all right? >> yes. >> jimmy: if your belly is red when you come out, that's extra points, okay? >> okay. >> jimmy: guillermo, down it down. >> 3, 2, 1! >> jimmy: and here goes frenchy. all right. let's see that in slow motion. >> that is a ten. >> jimmy: pretty good splash, i mean, let's see what aqua man thought, he gives her a 5. chrissy gives her an 8. chrissy, very generous. >> she made me wet. >> i want to point out that is his nose. all right. thank you, chrissy.
i appreciate that. how do you feel about that dive? >> wet. >> jimmy: you feel wet. all right. very good. enjoy your hotdog and we're going to go ahead and keep going and we'll see how you did. next up, guillermo, who do we have? oh, simon. >> yeah, simon. >> jimmy: simon, here in the united states, i don't know if you have that. we have a thing called woolly willie. it's a little magnetic guy, and you put hair on his -- well, never mind. simon, are you ready to do this? >> i'm as ready as i'm going to be. >> jimmy: is this the strangest thing you've ever done on your vacation? >> most certainly. >> 3, 2, 1!
>> jimmy: that was strong. [ applause ] >> jimmy: let's look at it in slow motion, simon, he let himself fall into the water and yes, he did have a pretty good splash. let's go to the experts for their take. aqua man. a 6. chrissy, a 9. you're very wet. just rub up against sponge bob. he is very absorbent. and sponge bob, a 4. you realize this isn't a dating competition, right? >> jimmy: let's total up the scores. that's a 19 for simon. simon, i think you did better than that. >> i think so. >> jimmy: enjoy some american hotdogs and i think we have to -- all right, one more. darrell, right? did you see your competition? so you know what you have to beat. are you ready? >> i am. >> jimmy: you said you cannot swim, correct? >> no, i can swim. i've just never flopped before in water. >> jimmy: all right. this will be the first time.
try to lead with your stomach. that's the way to go. and guillermo, count her down. >> 3, 2, 1! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: she is a natural, let's see that again! wow! that is very, very strong. and a qua man, he gives her a 7. chrissy, what do you think? chrissy gives her an 8. soaking wet. and sponge bob -- why did we bring sponge bob into this? that adds up to 20. all right. let's talk -- i think you got robbed by sponge bob, i have to say. >> i did. >> jimmy: all right, let's tabulate the final scores and declare a winner with a high score of 23, frenchy, yeah, frenchy somehow pulls it out.
congratulations! i think we all know why frenchy won this competition. well, enjoy your time here in the united states. thank you to all our competitors. why don't we let the rest of the floppers flop throughout the rest of the show. thank you, everybody. congratulations, frenchy, thanks for nothing, sponge bob, we'll be right back with julia louis-dreyfus. [ girl ] by the way, this is not what back to school looks like. the only thing anyone really cares about is that first day. everyone will be stylin' their faves. love that! but i'll be bringing it every day, 'cause i went to jcpenney. i know, right? that's what i'm talking about. they have so much great stuff. oh, sweet! anyway, what's your first day strategy?
this summer, new york state is back and open for business. with endless beaches, hundreds of miles for hiking...or biking. endless rivers and streams ready to take your breath away. and more than enough wineries to please every pallet. we're ready to make your new york state vacation perfect. there's never been a better time to vacation in new york state. plan your vacation at iloveny.com the new state of new york. welcome.
>> jimmy: tonight on the program a very funny man you know from "parks & recreation" starting tomorrow you can see him alongside jennifer aniston and jason sudeikis in the new movie "we're the millers" nick offerman is here. and then with music from this album called "home again" all the way from london michael kiwanuka from the sony stage. he is good, you will like him. tomorrow night, jason sudeikis will be here, from "paranoia."
amber heard will be with us, and we'll have music from mayer hawthorne. and on thursday harrison ford, keri russell, and music from joan jett and the blackhearts. last month our first guest broke lucile ball's record and heart when she became the most nominated comic actress in emmy history. her new 3d animated feature "planes" opens in theaters friday, please say hello to julia louis-dreyfus. [ cheers and applause ] >> good. how are you? >> jimmy: it's good to see you. >> congratulations. >> jimmy: thank you, i got married. weird, right? >> weird. >> jimmy: you said it wouldn't happen. >> and then it did. >> jimmy: how is the summer going? >> the summer is really good. just got back from montana.
>> jimmy: that is what i want to talk to you about. >> i know you do. i went fly fishing. >> jimmy: really the only thing i care about in life. >> is that so? does your wife know this? >> jimmy: she knows. >> this is nice. is this your first time fly fishing? >> this is a little -- you laugh but this is hard work, right? that's a little white fish that i caught. that was the first thing that i caught. that's why i'm so happy. >> jimmy: that looks like a little trout. >> it's not. it's a white fish. and then that, my friend, is a rainbow trout. >> jimmy: which is getting away from you. >> it didn't. show the next one. i gotcha! >> jimmy: that's a nice trout. that's a good fish. >> that was about 17 inches. i was really excited to get that. >> jimmy: did you enjoy it? >> my god, man, i am so looked. >> jimmy: really! >> i didn't mean that, but anyway. i am in fact, what do you got? >> jimmy: i decided to bring >> that's pretty. >> jimmy: that's a trout that i caught.
>> whoa, that's a big one. >> jimmy: that is what we call a pig! >> where did you get that? jimmy: in montana. on the bitter root river. >> i was on the black -- oh-oh! >> jimmy: african-american! >> what the hell is a black bottom river? i don't know what it was, black something river. >> jimmy: i love it. i started about six -- huey lewis taught me. >> let's just pull over for a second. how is it you're fly fishing with huey lewis? >> jimmy: because all my dreams now come true. it's a weird thing. you'll see. >> really? it will happen to me, too? >> jimmy: well, no. something will happen. it will involve you but it is one of my dreams. [ cheers and applause ] >> i just set you up. left and right, it is
unbelievable. >> jimmy: huey lewis is a very good fly fishing teacher. he is very serious. >> he is a musician is what he really is. >> jimmy: yes and he will wake you up in the morning with a duck call very, very, very early in the morning. >> no, he won't. so he's insane. go ahead. >> jimmy: all he ever talks about is fishing which is great. it is all i ever want to talk about is fishing. >> how is it that you found this out about him and because of him you became hooked? >> jimmy: i always wanted to try fly fishing and i always liked huey lewis.ñi >> i like paul mccartney but i wouldn't think to ask him if he would take me fly fishing. >> jimmy: he wouldn't because he's a vegan. he doesn't do that kind of thing. i ask everybody, he said no. >> okay. >> jimmy: but it's something that -- a passion that we share. >> okay.
>> jimmy: we share a passion for fly fishing and huey lewis, huey and i. >> i got it. so do you take your lovely new wife on these trips? >> jimmy: she come s begrudgingly -- i would not say that. she is nice and will kind of sit there, sometimes she fishes a little bit. >> yes. >> jimmy: sometimes she is on the side of the river, she naps. >> so can i come? >> jimmy: absolutely you can come. of course you can come. [ cheers and applause ] >> i would go fly fishing and i think my husband brad would love to come, too. so we'll come on your next vacation. >> jimmy: is brad into it? >> he loved it. >> jimmy: as long as you loved it. >> it is catch and release, right? >> jimmy: of course. >> i'm sorry, this is so -- we're really nerding out at this moment. one more question. are you in a boat going down the river or did you do it in waders standing in the river? jimmy: both those things. we'll float the river. it is more fun that way. >> and we'll be back on discovery channel. >> jimmythe american
outdoorsman. are you off this summer? >> i'm shooting again. we go back the beginning of -- in about a month it's a lot of back and forwards. we shoot veep in washington, d.c., and baltimore. >> jimmy: you shoot a lot of the outdoor stuff. >> yeah, yeah. it is a lot of flying back and forth. in fact i had the most extraordinary experience on a plane coming back from shooting veep very recently. >> jimmy: did this involve fishing? because i don't know if i'm interested. >> no, no, no. i don't want to bore you. >> jimmy: go ahead. >> i was flying home and i got into the plane and i was very luckily flying in first class. i sort of approached the seat. there was a gentleman sitting next to the window. and as i'm about to walk sort of in front of the seat to put my bag up, i -- i have an incredibly sense of nose and a sense of smell. like incredible. and i got a whiff of something, jimmy, in my life, i have never smelled anything quite like it. now, understand, i'm a mother
who has diapered two children. i have been urinated on. i have been vomited on in my life. it's true. and this was so strong that i ñi knew i had no place near this gentleman. no place. so before he was sitting down, i just marched right out with my bag and i went up to the flight attendant. she was in that little kitchen area. and i said listen, i know this is going to sound strange but we've got a problem. because i can't sit in that seat. so i'm happy to give it up. i would love to sit in cch. put me way in the back. she said i'll see what we can do. of course, the flight is completely booked. totally booked, there is not a seat. i said if there is any way i can sit in your seat. like that little seat that pulls out. because i can't -- it is a six-hour flight, man, and this
is bad news there. so she says, oh, she really understood. it was foul. so she said, she goes up to a woman who is in front, sitting in front of me. and she said would you mind? and she lied a little bit. well, we have a passenger who would really prefer to sit in the window. would you mind -- yeah. would you mind switching into the aisle seat? the woman was very nice and unknowing says, oh, sure, absolutely no problem. but i have to tell you something. it was like every man for himself. i know it is mean. but no way. so i sat in front. the woman sitting next to me, it was still bad. the woman sitting next to me had a scarf and she kept going -- right? every time the flight attendants went by, it was like -- so this was for six hours. i'm thinking how could this happen? how could this man go through life? does he not shower? >> jimmy: horrible. >> horrible, right? he needs a partner. he needs somebody to tell him these things. so we're getting off the flight. i'm very sheepishly avoiding looking at the woman who took the bad seat. we're getting off the plane. and [ bleep ] sorry for swearing.
it is this, all of a sudden, this woman comes out from way back in coach to join her husband. he has a wife. but she won't even sit next to him. yeah. >> jimmy: she preferred to sit in coach? >> in the way back in coach. she's not going near that thing. >> jimmy: there are a lot of layers for that story. i think you might go to hell for that story. i'm not sure. >> me or him? >> jimmy: you were sitting right next to him. julia louis-dreyfus. we'll be right back. >> the jimmy kimmel live concert series is brought to you by sony. pasta bowl is back. olive garden's never endg unlimited breadsticks. unlimited salad. never ending bowls of pasta for just $9.99. did i mention it's all unlimited? never ending combinations of pasta and sauce. like new asiago garlic alfredo and even unlimited meatballs,
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connoiss how much does a snow plow weigh? >> you are the snow plow, oi? >> you could say that, yes >> i am the ice? >> yes. it sounds better in spanish. >> why don't you go plow yourself. >> she is like an angel. >> jimmy: that's the new disney movie. julia louis-dreyfus is here. [ cheers and applause ] >> i play a french canadian pink plane >> jimmy: how does the canadian
play in there? it seemed french. >> i tried to work on a french canadian accent but it sounded like a bad french accent. and it is like americanized french. so i sort of morphed it more to french. so i like to call it frenchish. >> jimmy: she won the belly flop contest tonight. congratulations. in your intro, you are now the most nominated comic actress in history. [ cheers and applause ] >> thank you. >> jimmy: that's a very big deal. >> that is a big deal. i wonder if they counted right but i won't ask for a recount. >> jimmy: did you go look it up to see if it is correct? >> no. i'm pretty sure it's not so i'm going to let it lie. >> jimmy: lucille ball, i don't think she had any competition. so you're way ahead of her to start with. >> it has always been my desire to avenge lucille ball and i have now done it. >> jimmy: on veep, i think it was the last episode of the season. >> yes, yes.
>> jimmy: this happened. >> respect! you know the aretha franklin song? hey, mike! >> yellow, yellow, duchess is down. go! >> jimmy: i love that show. i think it is great. >> thank you very much. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: i love watching people walk into glass. it's one of my favorite things. >> that was so much fun to do. they were going to get a stunt double to do it but i really wanted to do i quite complicate do that tiny piece of footage took six hours. >> jimmy: really! >> it really did. there was tempered glass, plexiglass, fake rubber glass so i had to bang the plexi. the tempered was on the other side. they had to shoot off squibs to make it break. then there were guys above with rubber glass to fall on top of me. it was super fun. >> jimmy: they make everything
very complicated. it seems like. >> that's how show business works, jimmy. >> jimmy: that's how it works. >> it was so much fun. i brought you this little, this glass from the set. >> jimmy: this is fake glass? >> you tell me. >> jimmy: oh, it is. it is made of rubber. >> isn't that neat? >> jimmy: so you can actually eat it although you would choke to death if you did. >> it is toxic. i brought it back for my kids because i thought it was cool looking. >> jimmy: kids love glass. this is a cool thing to throw around the carpet. >> seriously, a great gag. >> jimmy: thank you for the broken glass. >> you're welcome, jimmy! >> jimmy: more with julia louis-dreyfus when we come back. "planes" opens in theaters in 3d friday. we'll be right back with nick offerman. ♪
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>> jimmy: how are you doing? >> i'm great, thank you. >> jimmy: how is your summer going so far? have you done any fishing? >> i did do some fishing with my family, i don't need to bring you pictures, we regularly catch large fish. we also breathe oxygen and consume sandwiches. i'm not going to brag about that either. >> jimmy: i heard your lovely wife megan, i heard you, what did you do? you got reengaged? >> we took a trip, yeah, a really wonderful vacation
through europe, landing in england where we originally got engaged about 12 years ago. we went back to the same spot where we got engaged and i proposed to her again. >> jimmy: why? why would you do that? >> it's not every day we get back there. i like a little insurance. i mean -- you've seen megan. and you know -- look at me. >> jimmy: make the effort. put your best foot forward. >> i look in the mirror sometimes. and i think yeah, you should double down. >> jimmy: did you have to buy another ring when you do something like that? >> no. i was just very poetic about it. . >> jimmy: will there be another wedding? >> that is a good question. i'm willing to go through whatever ceremony is necessary to guarantee a second honeymoon. >> jimmy: oh, i see. that's a good way of looking at it. you're writing a book now, i understand. >> i finished writing it, thankfully.
>> jimmy: you finished it. >> it's coming out october 1st. it is called paddling your own canoe. one man's fundamentals for delicious living. >> jimmy: i like that. what are some of the fundamentals? for delicious living? >> it is full of fundamentals. some cautionary tales in different parts of my life. there is one funny story about when i was in college, in theater school and my friends were teaching me to smoke pot for the first time. it was very exciting. very delightful. a diversion. and you know, one of the things you begin to learn is everything looks beautiful. and you start to think, oh, maybe i should smoke pot and go to the park. and at the time, i was in a production of "man of la mancha," with this beautiful old
spanish dungeon set. and i thought, that's so cool looking. it would be great to smoke pot and go be in the musical. cheech and chong were right. this is terrific. i feel great. >> jimmy: it's not really a performance enhancing drug though. >> no. i didn't think to ask anyone if it was a good idea. i tried a little bit. and you know, when you start smoking pot, you often are paranoid that people are loong at you and that they know that you're intoxicated. well, when you're on the stage of an opera, people are indeed looking at you. they paid good money to look at you. so i had to keep my cool. and everything -- i was okay. i didn't have too big of a part. but then about halfway through the part i remembered i had a big fight scene. and sancho hits me upside the head with his guitar and i would do this halfback flip thing.
i was thinking, can i do that under the influence of this evil devil weed? i kind of psyched myself out. i got to the fight and he did the move. and i was so torkd up that i overcompensated and did some kind of weird spinning 1 1/2 and landed on my temple and broke my head open. and i got up. fortunately i was playing the village idiot so no one really noticed. but i had a trickle of blood going down my face. then i had to play another role. i am a spanish conquistador, and i come back in to take some of the whores away. and they ripple through the audience. he has the same trickle of blood going down -- somehow i stumbled through show and i was rushed off to the clinic afterwards to see how bad my concussion was. i'm lucky. i have a really thick head. the place to take a blow for me is in the head. >> jimmy: in the head. >> the doctor sent me home. he said i was okay and he said next time perhaps try a cup of coffee. >> jimmy: you told him what you did. >> oh, sure.
>> jimmy: so honesty is one of the fundamentals then. >> it is. don't use barbiturates before going on stage, and be honest, you know? >> jimmy: it just seems like excellent advice. you're in this movie, "we're the millers." i watched it and you're very funny in it. >> thank you. >> jimmy: i felt like what almost stole the show was this enormous mug that you carry throughout. >> i think that was called the big bubba. >> jimmy: are these commercially available? >> i think walmart has them out front by the cash register. >> jimmy: you should include one of these with every book. that is a fantastic look right there. >> you're kind of sneaking up on my secret technique. whether it is a mug or a mustache. i just find a funny prop and stand behind it. in fact that mug is now with caa. >> jimmy: is that right?
>> it has changed its number. it is not returning my calls. >> jimmy: we have a clip from the film. does it need to be set up in any way? >> let's see. jason sudeikis and jennifer aniston are pretending to be a sneaky clean family, sneaking in an rv full of weed across the mexico border, and they run into katherine and myself who are a squeaky clean family and we end up pairing up with them for a while. >> david and rose miller here. >> pleased to make your acquaintance. >> don, my smoldering wife edith. >> lane one, please pull forward. >> what is this? you have a baby! i love babies! >> oh, look at that boy! >> what is that beautiful little baby's name? >> this is our little -- >> lebron. this is lebron. >> yep.
. tonight on "nightline," you have heard of the group-on getaway, right? we set this one up that took us to paradise, but you wouldn't believe what we found ourselves swimming in. >> he tried to sell us marijuana and coke. >> so how can you make sure your next vacation is not a hot mess. and heading to the dominican
republic, what is waiting for you when you step off the plane. if you're planning a vacation, you may want to listen up. and for years, it was the world's worst kept secret. area 51, we reveal a newly classified document. so what did the conspiracy theorists get right about the stop secret air force base? >> k [ male announcer ] what if there was a help line for dinner ideas? [ superfan ] helper help line. we're on our way. you have got to try this sweet & sour chicken helper. i didn't know they made chicken! crunchy taco or four cheese lasagna? there's 40 different flavors? that's really good. i love cheese. dad's night. helper makes daddy the man. yes. could i get another one of those, actually? [ male announcer ] hey, america, yes. we're here to help. americashelper.com.